ad astra per aspera

Moving here is my goal for us in the next month to two months.  There is a lot of planning and figuring of logistics out but it’s doable.

Chris is near comatose today, from drug interactions (chemo & other meds he must be on).  It’s been a rough day and I’ll need to be by his side for awhile – I’m planning on staying here until he’s more clear and that could be a day or two or more.

State budget cuts mean that they don’t have staff available to watch just him, MD Anderson is a University of Texas institution.

His balance is very bad – he needs help getting out of bed – he’s had some severe diarrhea today.

I found out sister-in-law is back from Vegas because her husband sent me a picture message of my son this morning.

I’m still beyond upset with them and feel more and more isolated with his family – his aunt and uncle (his mom’s siblings) aren’t communicating with me much either.  I don’t know what his mom has or hasn’t told them about things.  After the latest blog update neither of them commented or messaged me.  I’m feeling frustrated and ganged up on, no idea if that’s real or imagined.  Because of some of the chaos (primary parent was alcoholic)  from my childhood I tend to doubt my perception of events around me.

I realize that I tend to share some of the more dramatic moments of my life, like recently the situation with his family, because I don’t trust my view of events and use outsiders as sounding boards.

I’m trying my best not to lash out anymore tho – I texted his mom this morning and told her happy birthday.  Not too long after I got here and saw what bad shape Chris is in someone came in the room when me and other staff were trying to get him out of bed and said someone was on the phone thru the nurses station and wanted his room phone #.  I told them to not give that out because the last thing he needs is his room phone ringing when he can’t even keep his eyes open or control his bowels.

I’m guessing it was his mom, I have no idea.  I’ve stopped texting his sister and dad since they starting ignoring my texts on tuesday.

I texted his mom and told her that Chris would call and wish her happy birthday if he could but he is near comatose from med interaction and having diahrrea problems and asked her when Magnus is returning to Georgetown, she replied they are going back Sunday.

I feel betrayed and because of their joint deception I’ve lost trust and my tendency is to want to put up tons of barriers between us, that’s my defense mechanism.  But I’m fighting that destructive instinct because they are taking care of my son and I am taking care of their son.  I can’t and won’t let this discord between his parents and me effect their relationship with my son.  He loves his grandparents and they love him and their home has had to be his home for 7 months now.  His mom does not know I’m making plans to move us to Houston in a month or two and that my hope is to bring Magnus to live with us.  She will initially view it as me retaliating and I don’t need to introduce even more emotion to this situation.

Realizing that our apartment options will be even more restricted and him being in the condition he is today has been tough.  I’ve been crying in the hallways here but pulling myself together when I’m in the room – the last thing he needs is to see me upset when he can barely process his surroundings or stay awake.

I started writing this nearly 5 hours ago.  I’ve been typing in between helping the nurses care for him.  It’s so cruel that when the meds leave him with the lack of awareness and strength to even get out of bed is when he has frequent diarrhea he is retaining too much fluid from what they are pumping into him so they had to give him something that makes him pee a lot and frequently.

End of rambles shambles.

Despite the days events seeming to get worse I’m feeling better than I was this morning.  Which is good because it’s going to be a long night ahead.  I have no idea how long he’ll be out of it like this, could be days but I sure hope not.