ad astra per aspera

I’ve been trying to care about doing this homework for circuits for the last 4 hours, last 4 days?  I don’t know.  I’m trying to care about shoveling, about showering, about doing dishes, about getting dressed.

I want to hide under the covers and sleep and cry for days.  I can’t find the focus or motivation, so I waste hours of time doing nothing, playing a mindless game on my tablet, looking at nothing on the internet.

I have a clutching in my heart that won’t leave, that is sucking me dry.  I need a schedule, I need outside tasks to pull me out of this grief.  I don’t want to be at home.

Grief has slipped under the covers, tangled itself in my hair, held my hand as it guides me so quickly, so effortlessly into this mire that feels impossible to pull myself out of.  How quickly it can turn from thriving to surviving, and back again, and then again and again over and over.  How I had forgotten what the unbearable weight of it feels like.

I can’t find motivation or comfort in the homework, in the studying, in the tasks to complete to yield the focus to my life.  I care in the abstract, I care about the idea of doing well on my test this week, about understanding and completing the homework due tomorrow, about doing well upon this course of my life, about providing emotional and financially for my son.
But today and yesterday and the day before that and and and I can’t feel anything but this unrelenting emptiness, this ache for his arms.
I want to cry in class, while trying to take notes, trying to engage my brain.  I miss being touched, being held, being loved, I miss the home that he was for me, when I let him be.

I know that it will pass, as it has before.  But right now that’s little comfort for the feeling that I have.  The unpredictable waves of grief knock me down.
Grief, like fucking cancer, doesn’t give a shit about my tests and homework and laundry and the list doesn’t end.
It’s 12:28 and I have no idea what I’ve done with this day, I’m so fucking tired.  I thought writing this out would help, but I’m more tired now.