I’ve had some thoughts rolling around in my head the last month or so that I’ve wanted to get down to capture this feeling.
There is a song on Fiona Apple’s album “The Idler Wheel” called “Daredevil” and here is an excerpt of the lyrics:
“Say I’m an airplane
And the gashes I got from my heartbreak
Make the slots and the flaps upon my wing
And I use them to give me a lift
Hip hip for the lift
Hip hip for the drag
I want them all in my bag
Oh give me anything and I’ll turn it into a gift”
And from another of her song’s, “Extraordinary Machine”:
“Be kind to me
Or treat me mean
I’ll make the most of it
I’m an extraordinary machine”
This last year and a half since Chris died has been tough. But I’ve made it this far and created a new life for this new family that is missing him. Last semester back in school was a challenge and I ended up with good grades and a scholarship that pays all of my tuition (and probably will until I graduate). The support group Magnus and I continue to go to in Kansas City, Solace House, continues to provide comfort and support. The psychologist I’ve been seeing at KU has helped me navigate this new life and learn how to be kind to myself.
Since school has started up again this semester I have felt, well, fantastic! The gradual thought-shift has clicked in and I feel so incredibly lucky to simply be alive. Losing that amazing man has taught me to value life and take it for everything it has to offer me, to embrace all that life has to offer and learn all that I can and grow into the best person I can be so I can share that person with everyone I love.
Lawrence has been such a healing place to come back too and I’m so glad Magnus and I are here. I have old and new friends in this area that have helped me in so many small and large ways that I can’t even begin to articulate them. It’s been really good to reconnect with family in the area that I hadn’t seen in far too long as well.
In the past when things in my life have started to go well I’ve kind of held back and almost wondered when something bad was going to happen, because for parts of my life that seemed to be the pattern. I don’t feel that holding back anymore, I don’t feel that reluctance or the wall that my childhood taught me to build up between myself and the world. I just feel like I’m bursting with a vigor for life that I’ve never felt before. I wake up before my alarm goes off because I’m so ready to start the day I can’t wait to get up – I don’t think that’s ever happened before.
For most of my life I’ve been quite self-critical and that hasn’t served me very well. Recently I’ve begun to find ways to be kinder to myself, to show myself the same compassion I try and have for others. I’m learning to own my strenghts and walk a little bit taller.
School is challenging and engaging and I love it. I’m doing so many large and small things that will set myself up for very good employment offers when (or probably before) I graduate. Magnus is doing so well at the childhood development center on campus. He’s so friendly and seems to be developing into a class-clown like his daddy. He’s been taking swimming lessons for over a year and is loving the soccer that started up a few weeks ago. He gives me such joy and I can’t believe that I am blessed with the priviledge of raising him. While it is tough navigating my own grief and his and my role as an only parent, I know that without him I would have been utterly lost after Chris died.
I think something else that has helped with finding a balance in life and feeling just so damn good about how things are going I could barf up butterflies with a smile on my face (wow, that was rambly), is that I’m taking time for me. Not time that’s related to school work or socializing around Magnus, but time for me. Whether it’s a workout at the gym, or going to a Sporting Kansas City game, or just meeting friends for dinner – it keeps me sane and happy.
Another factor is that I’ve been working out at the gym on campus for about the last month and it’s, of course, good for me physically but the mental benefits go a long way too. It feels damn good to be sore from a workout and recently I’ve signed up for some personal training sessions. It’s kicking my butt but and I love it.
In many ways I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, with the exception that I want to share it with Chris. There are so many things I want to show, tell, and do with him; the list will never end. I wish I had been able to feel like this before he died, before he got sick. But it’s always easier to look back with present knowledge and see how you could have done it differently. So instead I’ll move forward with a lust for life and he’ll be here, in my heart, with me for the whole journey.
ad astra per aspera 