ad astra per aspera

I’ve been feeling out of sorts for a week or so, two?  I’m not sure.  When did it start?  Maybe when I found the cards Chris kept, cards I’d written to him over the years.  I feel dugout and exhausted, so exhausted.  I feel like a fucking failure and I don’t know why.  Simple things are hard.  I haven’t unpacked my printer and I’ve been meaning to for the over 3 weeks we’ve been here.  I know where it is, it’s easily done.  I need to print out more sticker charts for Magnus, he hasn’t had one since we moved.  I should have kept that continuous, and I didn’t, why?  Why haven’t I printed off the application for academic forgiveness and dropped it off since I was finally able to last week?  Why am I letting it all pile up and slowly pull me down when it’s just simple shit.
I don’t know what I feel because I’m trying not to feel and it’s not working.  Is it always going to be this hard?  I’ve been asking that for over a year, since before he died.
I tried to write over this void, tried to will it away with words hoping it would magically fill up but it’s there.  Tomorrow all I want to do is take Magnus to school and then watch movies and lay around until it’s time to pick him up.  Motivation is a word and not a feeling.  I need to get groceries and do laundry and all the shit that’s always there to do.  And the unpacking, of course.  I don’t care, I don’t have the energy.
I haven’t fallen asleep easily in weeks.  Having to cajole myself, push myself, into doing simple things that shouldn’t drain me – that’s the part that I wonder if it will get easier.  The downward wave or whatever times like this it’s hard to remember when I didn’t feel like this.  It’s hard to remember how the fuck I’ve done this at all in the past 15 months since he died.
Raising our son alone is hard, so hard.