I can’t get my brain to let me sleep the past week or so. I’ve been writing entries for here in my head for days? weeks?
I took off my wedding ring a few days ago.
Unpacking things that were last used when there were three of us is, is hard describe. It peels back the layers that have formed over my heart and leaves me exhausted and restless. I don’t miss him any less. There is so much stuff, so many objects that I don’t have a need for, but am at a loss of mental and physical strength to sort thru. I haven’t let myself make this my home yet, I’m weary of the things I haven’t unpacked, the remnants of a dead life. Unpacking cd’s and dvd’s he bought before “us” – I don’t know what to do with that stuff.
I came across cards I had written him over the years that he had saved and I was done for the day. Actually I have barely unpacked since coming across those cards, on Wednesday I think. My mind has been a restless animal since then. Pacing, breathing, stretching my long warm agitated neck, straining for something that will never be sighted again.
I don’t know how to get it out, how to push these little buttons with the letters on them into words, phrases, sentences that can possibly explain the lengthening turmoil.
ad astra per aspera 