ad astra per aspera

I have less on my plate since school ended and yet I’m more anxious than I have been in awhile.  Packing, packing.  I delay it, I berate myself for delaying it, I berate myself for berating myself.  I try to figure out how to be kind to myself, try to figure out why I’m making something pretty simple into something anxious.
The last time I packed up a household was in Wichita, late October of 2010.  With my husband, with Chris.  It’s all the same stuff I’m packing up again, all of our stuff but it’s not us anymore.  I didn’t realize it would still be this hard, I don’t want it to still be this hard.  But it is.  I don’t miss him any less, it doesn’t hurt any less.  Most of the time I’m just more distant from it, like when I’m busy with school and classes.  Now it’s just me in this duplex full of the objects of our past, that I must pack up again in an effort to create a future without him.  It’s another change in life without him, another event that would we would have shared together.