ad astra per aspera

I’ll probably have your clothes longer than we got to spend together, maybe longer even than you got to live.
Seeing men in their mid-30’s and older in public still transfixes me.  Eating lunch in Wheatfields I watched the couples, the men.  The man with his back to me filling up his cup with ice.  Noticing the gray in his hair scooped me out, broke me down.  I will never get to see you age into an older man, never get to see your head full of silver hairs, get to tell you how fucking handsome you are with it.
I remember you always noticing when you would get gray hairs, amazed at how fast they crept into your near black hair.  The memories of my fingers in your hair, the softness, my hands on the back of your neck as we embraced.  I miss the weight of your body, the weight of your life in my life, the sound of you, your laugh and those bear hugs, Magnus remembers those hugs you would give him, the tight strong embraces.
I hold you in my heart.