ad astra per aspera

It’s harder than I thought, juggling the intangibles of grief and a child trying to understand what it means that his dad is dead, the fear of dying himself someday, and the fear of me dying.
The academics aren’t too challenging, but it’s figuring out how to focus on the task at hand while fighting thru the sadness, the fog, the exhaustion of it all.  I usually want to cry before we even leave the house at 6:45 in the morning.
On the drive this morning he told me he doesn’t want to die, he just wants to be with me forever.
I’m angry and sad and I don’t know what to do with any of it.  I want to box it up and put it on a shelf because there’s not time.  I need to study my physics and calculus and digital design and do our taxes and look for a place to rent this summer, and get new tires on the truck, and get ready for the career fair, and go to SWE meetings and do my fucking living will because it’s outdated and FUCK FUCK FUCK.
The tension in my hands, in my mind, in my body is building building building.  I need to get an appointment at CAPS, I need to find the damn time if I’m going to get thru this without falling apart.  I can do this, I know I can, I want to do this, it will make our lives better.
Class starts in 2 minutes and I need to plaster on a mask when I’d rather just cry.  On the bus yesterday I smelled someone’s cologne and it made me want to sob violently, that smell of a man, for me that smell I will never smell again.