ad astra per aspera

While talking about some of my friends and their kids Magnus said “I know their dad, they have a dad, why don’t I have a dad?”
He knows his dad is dead, but this is the first time he’s verbalized the understanding that all of his friends have dads, but he doesn’t.
Fucking rat shit piss fuck motherfucking fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck.  Those are the best words I have.
I’m tired but there is no time for a nap or crying – I have so much to do.  Tuck the grief away for another moment, whenever that is.  Being busy is good, being busy is hard, it’s all hard.

He’s acting out a lot lately with me, since school started for me, makes it harder, makes me tired before we even leave the house at 6:45.  I can tuck my grief away and unfold it later in bed or in the shower or while driving but Magnus’ grief is a thing without edges, without words or understanding.
He can’t really verbalize or process the emotions and most of the time he doesn’t seem to focus on it and I can forget, I can forget that he is a little boy of 4 just trying to make sense of the world around him and his place in it and that his dad is not in his world, his dad is ashes and he can’t play with his dad or hug his dad or tell his dad he loves him or hear his dad tell him that he loves his son so much, so damn much.