Waiting in the hallway this morning with 20 or so other students I looked at them, so young. Probably none of them married, and I’m not either anymore, technically. Technically my marriage ended with Chris’ last breath, from wife to widow in an ambulance on a Texas highway in March.
I looked at them and thought “I’m going to get a better grade than almost all of you in this class”. And I am. Digital design will be my easiest class by far.
It was lonely and impossible to not remember when I was a student before, when Chris was alive, when Chris would text me or I would call him when I was on campus. When he was my heart and my home that I left every morning and came back to every night.
Magnus has been asking for more hugs and sleeping in my bed again. It was comforting for him when he was sick and I think comforting for me when I’ve been sick. My home is always empty when I open the door.
Today went better than I felt it would, feeling sick and exhausted. Walking into the engineering library it was grey and so cold and brief flakes of snow swirled in the air and it made me smile, smile spontaneously, freely, and genuinely.
The conversation on the drive home:
Magnus: Mom what did you do at school today?
Me: Well I learned about digital design and converting decimal numbers to binary numbers and binary number to decimals numbers.
Magnus: That is so awesome mom!
Me: Yes it is! And I also did some calculus about parabolas and ellipticals.
Magnus: Wow! Can I do that too?
Me: Yes you can, when you are older!
I fucking love him.
ad astra per aspera 