Perhaps a trigger for this undoing today is also the event of taking Chris’ death certificate to our bank yesterday before picking up Magnus so I could take his name off the account. At the desk next to me was a mid to late 20’s couple setting up an account and their bank rep was asking them things about if they had a living will and how neither of them did and how thinking about that stuff is scary and people put it off and who they would designate to get the $ in their account if they died. What fucking strange bookends.
Today, this morning, I’m unraveling like I don’t think I have before and I’m so glad Magnus is at school. I’ve thought about how manic these posts will look to me later, these three separate entries of losing my shit.
Today I wish I was a robot with an off switch until it’s time to pick up Magnus or I could lose my mind and break everything in my house, in this house that doesn’t really feel like my home because Chris was my home, but then it would magically put itself back together when I fall into an exhausted nap before waking to pick up my son (our son? my son? I don’t know)
ad astra per aspera 