ad astra per aspera

Magnus has been sick since Sunday.  The days are a blur.  His voice is coming back, his cough seems to be getting worse.  Little sleep last night – his cough & it’s pain awoke him frequently.
Nothing I can do can make him feel better and that makes me want to lose my fucking mind.  Too many memories of being able to do nothing to soothe Chris’ pain.
He’ll feel better, he’ll start school.  This temporary exile will subside.  But for now I feel like losing it.  I feel so fucking helpless and scared shitless.
I tried to imagine myself a year from now, what my life would be and I had no interest.
I need Magnus to feel better, I need to get the fuck out of this fucking duplex.  Tomorrow, tomorrow if he’s better we’ll go somewhere and do something, anything.  If he’s not I guess I’ll call the doctor.
He’s been sick 4 times since we moved here – how the fuck am I going to survive in school?  Next semester will be his birthday, my birthday, Chris’ birthday, then the one year anniversary of his death.  And when he gets sick and I miss class how do I catch up?  It all seems so fucking impossible.  I just want to turn my brain off, I want to run away, so fucking far away.
No matter where I look and no matter what I do I can’t find him, he’s gone.  He’s fucking gone and it’s just me left, the only parent left.