ad astra per aspera

Magnus is sick with strep.  He awoke frequently last night crying out in pain – the meds not giving him much relief.  Today it has caught up with me, remembering Chris in so much pain and being able to do little about it.
I’ve looked thru his wallet a few times since he died, somehow expecting to find a note from him.  I remember once in the weeks before he died when he told me he loved me and kissed me on the lips.  His eyes weren’t focused and he seemed only half there.  Sometimes he would look right thru me with his eyes.    He changed so much at the end, the last months of hell at MDA.
I remember his eyes before, how they danced and laughed.  How much he loved to try to make me laugh, how much I loved it when I could make him laugh.  I remember the year I gave him his birthday presents weeks early because I couldn’t bear to wait and hold in the surprise any longer.  I remember how he would bug me when I would try to read before bed, and if I started to read my book aloud to him it would annoy him so much.  I remember how one of us would ask the other before cuddling “do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?”  Sometimes I can look at his chair sitting in front of the computer and almost see him sitting there, almost imagine myself putting my arms on his shoulders, kissing his cheek.
Magnus watched the original Star Wars at Logan’s house and now he loves to play it at home, he was playing with his little figures that Chris picked out for him last Christmas.  This morning he played with them and his little dolls that represent him and his daddy together.
I read in books that someday it will feel different, someday I will feel alive again.