I can’t stop crying today. Magnus asked me not to cry, I told him it’s ok if I cry, that it’s because I miss daddy and that makes me sad but that it’s ok. And that it’s not his fault.
I was starting laundry and he got a stool and was helping load the washer and was saying that if he helps me maybe it will make me feel better and I won’t cry. That made me want to cry more. So I explained again that it’s not his fault that I’m crying and it’s ok if I cry.
I made him a tent in the living room – Chris loved making tents. I remember in the house in Littleton he made a tent in the living room. I remember we set up a camping tent in the living room in the house in Denver on 23rd St I think that was the name of the street. Or we’d have “sleep-overs” and pull out the couch bed and sleep on it in front of the tv in the living room sometimes.
I miss that he’s not here to complain about how my hair gets everywhere, that he was always trying to make me laugh. Most of all I miss sharing the joy of watching our son grow and change together. Everything is so fucking bittersweet now.
It’s hard to believe that someday this pain will not cut me to the quick on a daily or hourly basis. I’ll never stop missing him. It’s so heartbreaking to wish so desperately for something I can never have – him alive.
Today I don’t want to be a mom – today I want to lay in bed and cry all day. I wish it was cold outside so I could wrap myself in layers.
ad astra per aspera 