ad astra per aspera

I want the weather to turn cold so I can wrap myself up in his clothes; wishing it could somehow spur feeling into my cells.  I want to spend days wrapped up in his heavy white robe.
How strange it is that I have every article of clothing, his shoes, his wedding ring, his sunglasses that he is wearing in a picture but I do not have him; the only thing I don’t have is him.
I can’t listen to most music anymore; it breaks me down into a crying mess in the blink of an eye.  I can’t stop looking for him.  I understand he is dead, I watched him die.  But my heart, my heart is lost and can’t stop yearning.  How can someone I loved with all that I have be gone?
He was diagnosed a year ago.  Just one year.
This duplex doesn’t feel like home; nothing feels like home.  Sometimes I see glimpses of it words that Magnus says, or his laugh.  But mostly it feels empty.
The auto-pilot I was on until getting here seems so long ago.  I don’t recall or understand how I was able to move us here.  I had plans to visit friends in different places but now the thought of leaving here is terrifying.  The thought of having the energy and money to travel, the ability to focus my brain to plan a trip seems completely out of my grasp.
Life feels completely out of my grasp because his life slipped away in that fucking ambulance on that fucking highway in Texas.
How am I supposed to live without him?