You are everywhere and nowhere. All around this new house are pieces of you, objects filled with memories. But I can’t find you anywhere, you’re gone; for now and forever. I can’t escape your death.
It’s hard to feel anything; with the exception of love for Magnus. Without him I wouldn’t care at all, about any of it.
I go thru the motions of life. I don’t know what to do with myself some days, some hours, some moments. I get lost in the emptiness; other times I can set it aside.
I can’t decided what to watch on Netflix. I start shows and stop them half way thru; I don’t care what happens.
I finished a library book today and I feel lost, what am I supposed to do now? All the other books I have are about widowhood or grieving children; I’m tired of dealing with death.
It’s only been 3 months and 7 days since you died; never-ending and lost 3 months and 7 days. The 18th of every month will signify a length of time since your death. And the 18th of January was the birth of our son; he will turn 4 and you will have been dead for 10 months.
I should find a sitter for Magnus for a few hours a week and do something on my own. But I don’t know what to do by myself. All I can picture myself doing is driving down country roads, clutching the wheel and wailing as I wait to return home.
I need to propel myself forward, find a knitting class, find any class to get me out on my own. I’d never thought that I could possibly be this scared of life.
ad astra per aspera 