I get stuck on titles for these things sometimes.
Chatted with the mom next to me at Jiffy Lube Thursday morning, she had a 3 year old and a one year old. As I was at the counter paying and about to leave she came over and put some money in my knitting bag to help with gas on my move. When I got in the truck I saw it was $100 and I cried at the shinning generosity of strangers.
I found your crane necklace when I finished packing our room up at Gary’s on Thursday. I remembered how you told me I could wear it when we were in Houston.
Chris it’s so fucking hard to understand that you are dead, that I don’t get to see what you’d look like at 40, 50, 60. That our 4 year wedding anniversary is this fall, would have been this fall. I have to keep correcting verb tenses these days, I fucking hate it.
I smelled one of your bottles of cologne as I was packing and it knocked me down to the floor crying.
I worry about Magnus, I worry about being a mess and crying too much around him and it making it even harder on him than it already is. He’s getting so big, it’s so cruel that you aren’t here with him. When we were in Wichita at Little Saigon with Sandra and her daughter Magnus pointed to the Sriracha sauce on the table and said “daddy liked that!” It had to have been something like 8 months since he had seen you eat that stuff, it made me so happy he remembers things like that about you.
It’s so hard without you, I never could have imagined how hard. I’ve never felt a void like this, I don’t even know how describe it. I can’t quantify this grief, no words seem capable of representing this devastation.
I love you.
ad astra per aspera 