ad astra per aspera

Did not stop at friends house for food, its the opposite direction of the hospital and I have no energy for socializing.
Sat at home and cried and drank half a cocktail while watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation in my room.
Felt better and went to the hospital.  Ate Christmas dinner by myself in the cafeteria.  Still sad but feeling better.  Start my walk down the hallway to the elevator up to his room and down the hall I see two men in black suits wheeling a dead body in my direction.  Funeral directors/workers whatever who have collected the dead body of someone and they are taking him/she/it away.
It’s too much for me and I turn and walk the other direction until they are gone, then back the other way to find the bathroom and cry and wipe my face and then go up to his room.
Chris has been so very very disoriented these past few days.  His high fevers and meds have made it so hard for him to think and talk clearly.  I showed him some of the photos I took of Magnus opening gifts this morning and then 2 of our friends show up and I really just wanted to see Chris by myself for a little bit.  But they wanted to give us our gift, a GPS to replace the stolen one, so thoughtful of them.  They have been good friends.  So we all talk for awhile and sometimes it’s hard for me to be social and the hospital room can feel so small to me.  They offer, as they have before, to set up their extra room as a room for Magnus and he can stay with them and I have to say no thank you again that it’s kind of them to offer but he does not know them and they have not taken care of a child full time before and they smoke in their home and they have 2 dogs and I do not say half of these things, I just say thank you but no thank you as hard as it is, where he is right now with his grandma is the best place for him to be.  Having to explain this to various people more than once is hard, it’s a reminder to me that I can’t raise my son right now.  I don’t know what is worse, my son waking up from his nap and I am not there and him being upset or him shrugging it off because momma being there one moment and gone the next is now normal in his life.  They leave and I show him the rest of the photos and 2 videos I took.  We started to play a game of UNO then nurses and tech interrupted with drugs and info.
He is on 3 different kinds of pain meds, different chemo meds, he had blood transfused this morning, he’s on fluids and antibiotics and benedryl to help with the itching from a pain med and he’s had strong painful hiccups for hours so he got a new med to try and help with that.
I stopped the UNO game because his brain is so gone right now he couldn’t even play UNO.  Half of what he says to me makes no sense.  Seeing him like this is hard, so fucking hard.  I miss my husband; he is my best friend and without him I am so lonely.
I ask if his dad had called or texted him today, he said no.  When I was at his parents house (his dad left with Chris’ sister and her family to spend Christmas with them in El Paso on Monday) his dad was texting Chris’ mom’s sister who was visiting and wishing her a Merry Christmas and telling her how much Taylor liked her gift from them.  Taylor is Chris’ sister’s daughter.  Chris’ dad did not text me Merry Christmas nor did I text him.  Chris’ dad rarely to never responds to any text I send him so I’ve stopped trying.
I say goodnight and leave the hospital and cry the 5 minute drive home and wipe my face to go inside and try to talk like a normal person or whatever to roommate when I get here and end up starting to cry and I go to my room and close the door and cry and I see that Chris has called me so I call and he says he fell asleep and woke up and didn’t know what happened to me, he doesn’t remember me leaving and saying goodnight to me and he starts to talk to me and says that he forgets that it’s probably just as hard to do what I do and be with someone who is dying and when he says that, when he says “who is dying” and he is talking about himself it only makes me cry harder and I tell him please please let me get off the phone you don’t need to listen to me when I am so upset.