ad astra per aspera

I just arrived in Georgetown and Magnus and Mary are out grocery shopping so it’s just me and the dog for a bit.  It’s dark and pouring rain outside, the kind of weather I like.  I put on holiday music to try and get me in the holiday mood, it’s been hard this year.
Leaving Chris at the hospital was difficult today.  He puked 3 times, 3 times I put on gloves and flushed it down the toilet and rinsed out his puke bin.  He was shivering even tho he had a fever and disoriented and having trouble articulating himself. 
Talked with his nurse and the oncologist on call.  His white count today was something like 11.7, which is high.  It’s never ever been that high, which is a sign of something maybe going on with his bone marrow.  His platelets are only 50 today but they are doing chemo anyway and his hemoglobin is below 8 so he will probably have blood transfusions tomorrow.  This is probably going to be an extra rough round of chemo since he is in such shitty shape before it even starts.  The Dr. thinks the fever is due to his lymphoma.  She ordered a head CT to check things since he has been so disoriented.  She said they may have to do tests next week, like a bone marrow test, to see if the cancer has spread there. 
None of this is good news.  It seems like this is only going to get harder.  I’m glad I had an empty house to blog in and cry a bit before cheering up to greet my son and have some sort of holiday. 
Part of me didn’t want to leave Chris and the other part wanted to run the fuck away from the hospital, I’m so tired of seeing my husband in pain and sick and there being fucking nothing I can do about it.  Hearing him laying in a hospital bed whimpering because of the pain he is in was unbearable for me today. 
I just want my husband back, I want this cancer to fucking stop and I want my family back together in our own house eating meals together. 
Ok time to dry the tears, listen to some holiday music, and knit while listening to the rain and waiting to see my beautiful son’s face light up when he sees me here.