ad astra per aspera

chris talks about quitting chemo, thinks things can go back to normal

normal is a ghost that will haunt me forever

I told him to talk to an oncologist about it, he talked to the oncologist that was making rounds on weekends.
We’ve never talked about prognosis with an oncologist before, I don’t know why.  Maybe I do.  I’ve read up a lot about his regimen.
He talked to the oncologist on call, she told him general prognosis info based on her knowledge and patients she’s had.  She said the maintenance chemo that will last a year or more will still be difficult, he’ll have to take oral pills and go for weekly injections and he’ll have similar side effects like he does now.
She said that most patients don’t stay in remission.
She told him if he quits chemo his growth will come back and the cancer will progress rapidly.

I want to talk to his oncologists, I have so many questions.  The earliest that will happen is Monday.

I’m so tired.

I was supposed to see my son days ago.  I just want to spend time with him and not have to make chit chat with his parents.  I want to pick him up and have somewhere to take him but there is no place.  There is nothing for him to do at our house but watch tv and he watches far too much of that already.

It seems there is still nothing to do but put up with everyone with no real relief in sight.

I really wanted to buy booze earlier today and drink but I didn’t because I have way way too much shit to take care of to say fuck it all, even for a night.
There’s a house to clean and bed linens to wash in case he comes home.

I’m sick of all of this fucking life.

I don’t have a job, I’m not in school, I don’t have my son, and my husband is losing his will.