ad astra per aspera

Salutations sure looks like a strange word typed out today.

I think I’m a bit slap happy from the recent hustle and bustle to the ER.

Timeline:
-went to ER @ about 10:45 p.m. on Tuesday November 30th.
-went home at about 2:30 a.m. and couldn’t fall asleep until about 4
-Chris called at 7:15 a.m. for some company at the hospital
-went home at about 9:15 a.m. and fell sleep around 10, woke up at about 1 p.m.
-back at the hospital at about 2 p.m. and here I now sit.

I miss my son.  If it wasn’t for this stupid pancytopenia we would have been at his parents house by now playing with him.
I miss a life without cancer.  I miss math and physics and school so fucking much.
I need to start studying my calculus book so that when I eventually go back I can remember it all.  That book is in storage somewhere and I don’t have any real place to study, yes I know I need to make a place, if I want to study bad enough it can be done.
The days seem to stretch and twist and churn until so little and so much time has passed.  It seems like much longer than 4.5 months since his diagnosis.  It seems like just yesterday I’ve been meaning to review my physics and math.

I should be knitting, we don’t have $ for gifts so I’m attempting to knit a large quantity of dishcloths to send people.

I still get easily frustrated by people’s inability to grasp the all encompassing life with cancer, even more so during times like these.
I’ve become even more of an introvert the past few years I’ve noticed but now I’m more comfortable with the fact that even tho I love and care about my friends and family most of the time I don’t want to be around too many of them at once or too frequently.  Constantly interacting with people, regardless of who they are, makes me tired and cranky.

I need to go walking at the Barton Creek Preserve tomorrow, that will help.
I need my in-laws to be better communicators so simple things aren’t so fucking complicated.

I realized the other day the reason why I’m constantly so hyper aware of other people’s needs/actions/behavior.  Growing up I never knew if my mom was going to be pissed off or happy from one moment to the next so to make it easier on myself I tried my best to anticipate her needs/next step.  And I still do it to anyone I spend time with, it’s an ingrained habit.  It’s strange and at times I have little patience for other people who don’t share this same awareness of people around them.
Not that I’m some fucking superstar, I’m sure there are a plethora of things I overlook.

Everyone says I’m coping so well and doing so great and so much but I’m tired.  I have my moments of wanting to drive to his parents house and picking up Magnus and driving away and telling his mom to take care of Chris and I’ll be back sometime.  I won’t do that of course, such irresponsibility is not in my nature.  But I sure fucking want to a lot of the time.

I don’t like not having a job that brings an income in.  I know that my job taking care of Chris is important and crucial and yadda yadda but I feel vulnerable not having an income.  We aren’t paying rent  and Chris’ disability $ covers bills and we should be able to start saving so that hopefully in 4 or 5 months we can rent a home and have our son back with us.  Well we will have to choose between saving to afford rent in the future or paying off medical bills.  I hate money.  It serves little purpose to me and I don’t care about many of the things it can buy except freedom from the trappings of poverty.  Details, details.
The list of things I need to take care of, places to call, things to organize, and figure out seems to grow and grow and grow with each passing day.
I’m tired and today it’s hard not to wish for the simple pleasure of sharing a home with only my husband and son and the only thing to figure out for the rest of the day would be what to eat for dinner.