Well today started out with more drama than I expected (nothing health-wise w/Chris). Having a husband w/cancer, living in a room in someone else’s home, not having our son with us, and accumulating gross medical bills is enough drama for me.
The relationship between his parents and him and his sister Brenda isn’t improving. A very expensive toolbox that belongs to Chris’ dad and was promised to Chris is now suddenly a Christmas gift to Jason, Chris’ sister’s husband. Chris’ dad, Dennis, texts Jason(the son-in-law) constantly but hardly responds to Chris. Chris’ father is also choosing to drive to El Paso for Christmas instead of spending it here where we now live.
Chris and his sister have not spoken in over a month. Both of his parents ramble on about her and her husband to us when we visit them to spend time with Magnus. I don’t really want to hear about the awesome holiday bonus his sister received from her job, especially when they pay about 20% of the amount of rent anyone else would have to pay to live in their grandmother’s house in El Paso. She has never offered to help us out with anything, or donated to the blog. Before she stopped speaking to us she was only trying to pester me into telling her how much money people donated to us.
And yet we are supposed to act like everything is fucking hunky dory.
Chris had a rough night and ended up lashing out a bit at his mom via text. I understand his hurt and anger but I tried to explain that if he wants his parents to understand how hurt and angry he is he will have to communicate clearly about it. Otherwise his texts will be dismissed and ignored and nothing will change. He has asked his mom several times to respect his wishes and not share his medical information with Brenda since she choose to stop speaking to him last month. He just really wants to be heard by his parents.
It’s hard to see him so hurt when he already has enough to deal with. He says that he tries to picture growing old with me and watching Magnus grow but he can’t see it. He hates not knowing if this cancer will kill him or not. He says he thinks about stopping treatment. I don’t think he will, he’s sorting thru emotions.
I try to picture Chris, Magnus, and I living in a house together here in Austin but I can’t see it. None of this is doomsday talk about thinking Chris is going to die. For me it’s the inability to see past this life with cancer and treatment. It’s bizarre to attempt to picture a life without blood draws and shots and hospitals and nurses.
This whole stupid situation is ridiculous and I HATE the fact that I can’t raise my son right now. I don’t even know to explain the heartbreak it is to visit your son because you have to help your husband thru horrible intense chemo. Living with people who are close to strangers to me is fucking hard and being around people all the time makes my head hurt. It could be worse, it could be so so much worse but it could also be SO MUCH BETTER.
And it will be, but not right now.
On that note, I am running away to the woods for an hour or so.
ad astra per aspera 