ad astra per aspera

I’m sick of the fucking world still turning like nothing has changed.
I still have to work.
I still have to finish this calculus class because my future GPA doesn’t give a shit if my husband has cancer.
I still have to deal with the fucking mundane day to day tasks of life.
Bills need to be paid, money needs to be budgeted, endless fucking paperwork needs to be filled out, Magnus needs to be potty trained and I DO NOT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME.
I find myself driving home from work at night and circling the block listening to music postponing the inevitable of going inside.
This life feels so fucking small now. I hate that when Magnus is having fun and playing and being loud I’m worried about it waking up Chris when he needs to rest. This is so fucking unfair to Magnus and I hate that this fucking cancer is robbing me of time with my son and I can’t even imagine how frustrated Chris is that he can’t play with his son anymore.
I remember the last time we grilled food and watched Magnus play in his pool and played some croquet and will that memory be the last like that?
I miss my husband. He’s my best friend and now I have to separate part of myself from him because I can’t show him all this shit or tell him it – his main focus is resting from all the fucking tests and for the upcoming battle and he’s exhausted because the cancer inside him is fucking killing him.
My time with him is trying not to wake him up when I crawl in bed at night after work or when I get up in the morning so he can rest as much as possible. When he does get up I have to remind him to please please let me get him what he needs because he needs to be laying down. Our only other time spent together is driving to/from the Dr. or the hospital and going thru admissions and waiting for procedures and waiting for the procedures to be done and waiting for him to get released and driving him home and making him go back to bed and rest when he wants to sit and watch tv in the living room but he needs to rest and nothing is the fucking same.
Schedule:
Sunday – work
Monday – on campus by 7 a.m. to study, then class, then meet with teacher to discuss the class I’ve missed, then head home to pick up Chris and take him to the dr. for his full body CT scan and MUGA heart scan, then take him home and go to work then come home from work 6 hours later and go to bed.
Tuesday – miss class and get Chris to the hospital by 7 a.m. for surgery to get his triple lumen catheter put in, maybe a 6 hours process, try to take care of some crucial paperwork/phone calls while he’s in surgery. Then take him home and make sure he’s situated and go to work.
Wedneday – Get to campus early work on homework, class, more homework, home, work, bed.
Thursday – Campus early for homework, class, meet with teacher, finish homework due for the week and no work.
Friday – class, homework, home in time to get us to the oncologist at 1 p.m. to find out how far the cancer has spread, his diagnosis, his treatment schedule and an idea of what our immediate future will be like.